Yet Another Conspiracy Against Frequent Fliers

August 26, 2008 | Uncategorized

I think I’ve caused a problem. An international problem, in fact. And I’m awaiting a knock on my door, courtesy of the FAA, FBI and the Canadian Mounties.

You’ve heard, no doubt, how the airlines are trying to both make extra money — charging for food, baggage, etc. — and save money in order to turn a profit. To save weight and use less fuel they don’t totally fill their fuel tanks any longer. They only fill the water reservoirs tor the lavatories only partially now. They’ve taken out the galleys on some planes. Tossed the magazines.

Back in May I tried to help the airlines when I wrote the blog “Urgent!!! Please Help the Airlines!” In it I suggested several things the airlines could do to help themselves out of the financial mess they’re currently in. One of the suggestions I made was to get rid of radar “since it’s probably expensive to buy and more expensive to maintain.”

It’s now apparent that someone at Jazz airlines, Air Canada’s regional affiliate, must have read that blog and brought it to the attention of management. After studying it for three months it appears they’ve come to the conclusion that there probably are some things they’ve overlooked in their cost-cutting frenzy.

Now before I go any further we all need to relax as I send a message to management at Jazz: “I WAS ONLY KIDDING!  IT WAS A JOKE, A BIT OF SATIRE.” Hey, you’re not really supposed to take everything so seriously.

For the rest of use — especially if you fly Jazz a lot — sit down and ponder this: in an effort to cut the weight on their planes, Jazz is ditching the life jackets. All is not lost, however, since they’re keeping the radar.

According to a report in The Toronto Star the weight of each jacket is about one pound so this should save about 75 pounds per plane, or roughly one-fifth of the weight of the guy who sat next to me on a flight to Las Vegas recently.

Now, Jazz didn’t decide to jettison the life jackets because they don’t fly over water. They still fly over the Great Lakes and part of the Atlantic on their routes from places such as Boston northward. They’re getting rid of them because they’ve readjusted their East Coast routes to bring them within 50 miles of land.

According to the Star, “the 50-nautical-mile boundary is an international standard, developed as engine reliability improved. It is the distance from which an aircraft can reach shore even if an engine fails.” Well that’s certainly comforting. How dumb of me not to understand how quickly you can turn a jet into a glider.

But wait a moment…I’ve just read another article and I see I’m in the clear. There will be no knock on my door today. In fact, it’s now more likely I’ll be getting congratulations instead.

I now know the real reason for Jazz getting rid of the life vests! They say it’s to decrease the plane’s weight — I say, no way!

Look at this bit of detective work by yours truly. Did you know that a life vest from the Titanic fetched $68,500 at auction at Christie’s in New York on June 25? That’s probably right about the same time Jazz’s board was considering whether or not to keep the radar. I can just see the light bulb going off in someone’s head at that meeting….. “Wait a minute - let’s keep the radar and sell the life vests. If we only make one-tenth of the Titanic price that’s still a half-million dollars per plane.”

“So what,” you say? Well, just look at this other critical piece of evidence — the owner of the vest that Christie’s sold is not only Canadian, but is also from Nova Scotia – the very province where all those Jazz flights will now be within 50 miles of land. Ah-ha, our smoking gun!

Obviously, someone thinks all we frequent fliers must be pretty stupid. It just goes to show how important it is to read the newspapers so you’re able to see when these big corporations try to put one over on you.

But what really still confuses me is why the airlines keep urging us to keep the restrooms neat and clean for the next passenger, and now want us to think about sticking our faces into something 10,000 other people have been sitting on.

Oh yeah, that’s why they provide air sickness bags.

Jim Ferri