The Real Culprit Behind the Swine Flu Hysteria
May 4, 2009 | Uncategorized
All this media hysteria about swine flu unnerved me so much last week that I almost took two pork chops out of the refrigerator and sent them off to the emergency room.
I mean, come on — isn’t the World Health Organization (WHO) over-reacting a wee bit? Might all this swine flu hysteria gotten a little out of hand?
Surgical masks are now flying off drugstore shelves. People have stopped shaking hands. Joe Biden has told people not to fly. And worst of all, I’m sad to tell you — the Today Show has postponed its “Today Takes a Vacation” series. Things have to be really, really bad when Matt and Meredith don’t know what they’ll do all week.
But there is something you should know about swine flu, H1N1 or whatever they’re calling it now — we’ve all been duped.
Investigators at The Center for Disease Control (CDC) have found that all this hysteria about Swine flu wasn’t caused by some porker down in the Mexico — it was manufactured by a big-name entertainer right here in the USA.
The culprit is Wacko Jacko. Yes — Michael Jackson.
CDC investigators have found that Michael has been finding it extremely hard to have a normal life like you and I have — you know, doing things like moonwalking, having sleepovers for kids, getting cosmetic surgery, etc. — without constantly being pursued by hordes of paparazzi. That’s why he started wearing a surgical mask, so he could get out and about in a disguise and avoid all these Italian photographers.
But paparazzi aren’t dopes and they quickly saw through the whole thing. Which is how Michael’s manager came up with the idea of inventing swine flu and getting millions of other people to also wear surgical masks. This was recently verified to me by a highly placed source at Variety over four pitchers of margaritas.
Still not convinced? Think about it — have you seen Michael Jackson this week? I know I haven’t. And I bet Joe Biden hasn’t either.
So my message to the world is clear: “Michael Jackson, I refuse to be caught up in your flu fiasco.” And Joe Biden — “I will fly.”
In fact, right now I am on a plane en route to Orlando. And as I stare out the window at 30,000 feet I have made up my mind. I will not be intimidated by Michael Jackson or Joe Biden. I will not wear a surgical mask and I will not stop flying. I will not get caught up in all this hype that has been perpetuated by hysterical media. I am resolute.
Oh damn, the guy behind me just sneezed.
Jim Ferri
