I watched President Obama's press conference on security yesterday afternoon, the one in which he said that he's going to clean up this security mess -- or lack of security -- that almost resulted in a catastrophe on that Northwest jet on Christmas day. I think we all feel that someone in Washington had better start kicking some butt if our national security apparatus is actually going to make us more secure.
I've been giving it some thought and I think I can help the president on this. And, by the way, at the same time put some money into the federal coffers.
Remember Richard what's-his-name, the infamous shoe bomber who tried to bring a plane down nine years ago by igniting explosives in his shoes? And remember what security measures were taken after that episode? Yes, now all of us must take off our shoes as we walk through security check points at airports.
Well, if we put two and two together it's obvious what's going to happen now. Since our latest fanatic had explosives sewn into his underwear you can bet that in the next few days TSA is going to mandate that we all have to take off our underpants and have them x-rayed as we go through security.
I know some will certainly say this is a clear violation of privacy. But isn't the shoe policy a violation of privacy? After all, everyone gets to see your bunions and the holes in your socks.
But rest assured that there really shouldn't be any problems with the new policy. In fact, I've heard from a highly placed administration source that since the shoe policy has already set a precedent, the underpants policy should fly through without a problem.
But I think we should take this whole thing even further and get all those new see-you-naked xray machines funded by the private sector. I hope the folks at TSA are listening since this could save some big bucks.
Since we already sell naming rights to sports stadiums, why not just also sell naming rights to the xray machines? Just think of the money it will bring in and the marketing possibilities..."Fruit of the Loom welcomes you to Newark Airport"..."Calvin Kline reminds you to put your laptop and underpants in separate bins"..."Welcome to Security Portal 34D, Sponsored by Victoria's Secret"...
Well, Mr. President, there's one less problem for you to worry about.
Jim Ferri
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Being in tourism public relations I make a lot of presentations and carry a lot of "stuff" -- a laptop, projector, files, etc. The problem is I don't always remember where I've tucked stuff away. Yesterday I found I better pay more attention to my tucked-aways.
Running for a flight through crowded airports doesn't jog my memory either and New York's LaGuardia can be crowded. Designed when 10 flights a day was a full schedule, its security areas now handle 23+ million passengers in an area slightly larger than a good-size igloo in Alaska.
At security yesterday I came face-to-face with the moment travelers fear -- when the belt comes to a halt seconds after you put your bags into the mouth of the xray machine. Everyone within 50 feet, of course, immediately looked up to see who screwed up.
The TSA guy -- the one with the computer -- now had his face so close to the screen that one sneeze would have launched it across two runways. And then to my chagrin he yells out "We've got a whole bag of electronics here," as if he'd just caught the bag man for Sony.
"What's the problem?" I thought, as I followed another TSA-er to a table to rummage through my bag.
"Do you have a lot of electronics in here?" he asked, opening the bag. "Just a camera," I replied, thinking all of my "stuff" was in the other bag.
He then pulled out a camera, quickly followed by a small GPS navigator for a car. ("Oh, and that too.")
He reached back in and took out another camera, ("Oh, I forgot about that..."), followed by a tape recorder ("Oh, yeah, that too...").
He reached back in and pulled out a laptop projector the size of a telephone book which I had completely forgotten about ("Oh, uh-h-h ..."). By this time I began to think I was working for Sony.
"Oh, this is it," he said holding up the projector. "With all the other little electronic things it makes the computer think it's one large electronic box. I'll just put this through again quickly."
This guy and the others there had a great attitude, all smiling and chatting with passengers stuck in long lines, even during pat-downs. And I was out of there quickly too -- what a difference from the horrors of security at LGA two years ago.
Maybe TSA has been listening to all our gripes after all.
Jim Ferri
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A cast on my leg has impaired my mobility for months now, which is not good for someone who has to travel a fair amount.
Thankfully the hard cast has now come off, replaced by a long Darth Vader-style boot with enough Velcro to hog-tie the neighbor's dog or a small child.
It allows me to fly easier once again. But it's also made me aware that while some folks at TSA need to get their act together, others are well ahead of the curve.
This past Monday when Darth and I arrived at Ft. Lauderdale Airport three TSA guys took one look at us and immediately reached for TSA Manual 101.96 -- "Lessons Learned From the Spanish Inquisition."
I didn't need to take off Darth they told me -- he's removable but a hassle to remove and put back on -- but about halfway through the 20-minute ordeal I wish I had. My inquisitor swabbed and computer-analyzed Darth and my hands twice, used his magic wand in places Tinkerbell would never use hers, and then ran his blue-gloved hands all over me until I felt like a date in the backseat of his Chevy.
"Who needs waterboarding when you can just send people through Ft. Lauderdale?", I wondered.
The next day, flying out of Buffalo, NY, I was convinced to use a wheelchair since it was a far way to the gate. Prepared for the worse, this time I told TSA they could take the boot off and xray it. Immediately two TSA guys, one on each arm, told me not to do a thing and helped me out of the chair and through the entire security process. I began wondering if I was on the same planet as the day before.
On top of this the guy pushing the wheelchair hovered over me like my personal man-servant anticipating my every need and wish.
"Give me your bag, sir, I can pull it behind as I wheel you." "We need to go through security, sir. Here, let me take your shoe off for you." "If you'd like some food we can get hot food here or cold sandwiches further ahead."
When I asked if there was a restroom I could stop at before getting to the gate, he wanted to wheel me in. I half-expected him to ask if he could go for me as well.
Today, leaving Kansas City I left Darth Vader on again to see what would happen. And again, as in Buffalo, smiling agents helped me through the security process in only a fraction of the time it took in Ft. Lauderdale a few days earlier, despite having the boot on.
I've learned two important things in the past five days.
The first is greater respect for those who are incapacitated. The second is that TSA needs to send its large-city security teams out to small-city airports to see what real American courtesy is all about.
Jim Ferri
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