New TSA Security Procedures and How to Fund Them

January 6, 2010 | Uncategorized

I watched President Obama’s press conference on security yesterday afternoon, the one in which he said that he’s going to clean up this security mess — or lack of security — that almost resulted in a catastrophe on that Northwest jet on Christmas day. I think we all feel that someone in Washington had better start kicking some butt if our national security apparatus is actually going to make us more secure.

I’ve been giving it some thought and I think I can help the president on this. And, by the way, at the same time put some money into the federal coffers.

Remember Richard what’s-his-name, the infamous shoe bomber who tried to bring a plane down nine years ago by igniting explosives in his shoes? And remember what security measures were taken after that episode? Yes, now all of us must take off our shoes as we walk through security check points at airports.

Well, if we put two and two together it’s obvious what’s going to happen now. Since our latest fanatic had explosives sewn into his underwear you can bet that in the next few days TSA is going to mandate that we all have to take off our underpants and have them x-rayed as we go through security.

I know some will certainly say this is a clear violation of privacy. But isn’t the shoe policy a violation of privacy? After all, everyone gets to see your bunions and the holes in your socks.

But rest assured that there really shouldn’t be any problems with the new policy. In fact, I’ve heard from a highly placed administration source that since the shoe policy has already set a precedent, the underpants policy should fly through without a problem.

But I think we should take this whole thing even further and get all those new see-you-naked xray machines funded by the private sector. I hope the folks at TSA are listening since this could save some big bucks.

Since we already sell naming rights to sports stadiums, why not just also sell naming rights to the xray machines? Just think of the money it will bring in and the marketing possibilities…”Fruit of the Loom welcomes you to Newark Airport”…”Calvin Kline reminds you to put your laptop and underpants in separate bins”…”Welcome to Security Portal 34D, Sponsored by Victoria’s Secret”…

Well, Mr. President, there’s one less problem for you to worry about.

Jim Ferri